what am i doing?

Can someone tell me why? Why do I think so highly of him? Why do I find him so attractive? Why do I let myself want something I can’t have? You see… it goes like this… I thought he was cute the first day of school. But whatever right. I had other people on my mind at the time. He got this really nice, super pretty girlfriend. Was I jealous? Nope. I wasn’t interested back then. Then they broke up. Still not interested, still didn’t care. And the BOOM he was my English project partner. Along with my best friend. We were in a group and I never noticed how funny and smart he was. And like I said I already thought he was cute. He was also kinda shy. Yet well spoken. So anyways…thus the birth of my “crush”. I told Zoey (the other girl in our group) that I liked him. She originally thought my little crush would blow over, and it probably would have if it wasn’t for …lets call her Vicky…Vicky has a sort of….”boy problem” ….She’s one of those girls who just doesn’t stop you know? Anyways he liked her. He asked her out. Again… you know what I’m fine with that… in the words of Eponine…he was never mine to lose…. But that bitch goes and dates him for a week and then dumps him. She says she was never into him. She just didn’t want to hurt his feelings and say no…bitch you made it worse by leading him on. I’ll never forgive her for that. We were real close friends before that but now not so much. I have no respect for those types of girls. The ones that can have what you want…and just throw it away. *sigh* … So anyways… a little fast forward to where we are today. It is barley now where I started to talk to him. Where he started to notice me. For a long time I would look over my friends heads to sneak glances at him across the quad. But it wasn’t until now …that sometimes…id find him glancing back. My heart would skip a beat when this would happen. So what does a girl do when she likes a shy boy and she thinks he might like her back…? She asks him to the Sadie Hawkins dance. And what did the shy boy do?… he said yes! Words couldn’t describe my happiness. But then things got complicated. According to him we were going as friends. I knew we were getting closer but it was in the wrong way. I was being friend zoned. He started telling me about this girl he liked. This super cute funny shy girl. Just like him. So what could I do? I panicked. I told him I liked him. I spilled my guts. It all came out without thinking. And what did he do? Did he stop talking to me? Did he make things awkward? No. He tells me…I never said I didn’t like you….Lets just go to the dance as friends though. Ok? I couldn’t believe it. Who am I to argue with that? So we went together. Had fun together… Although I could tell that dances weren’t “his thing” he had fun. And I know he had fun because when his friend (who was undercover for me at the time) asked him he said he had a lot of fun at the dance with me. Yay right!? Wrong. I took this as way more than it was. He could have easily said he had a fun time just because he didn’t want to sound like a jerk and say it stunk. So anyway a couple weeks past. We were still talking and txting and then winter break rolled around. Something about knowing I wasn’t going to see him in a week gave me the courage to ask him…. Do you like me…and of course he said no and then gave me this big long thing on how he’s just not looking for a girlfriend right now. (Which is a lie cuz I know he wants to ask out that girl) He made things sound all complicated when they’re not. He didn’t really say “no” that’s the thing. He gave me a lot of “not right now”s  and “were just freshmen”. The thing that gets to me is he’s just so damn nice. He wasn’t mean he kept apologizing. He was trying so hard not to hurt my feelings. And the worst part is….the characteristic I admire most in a person is kindness. He is making me like him more while he breaks my heart. Why? Why do I let myself want someone so….so…so just NOT into me. Now seeing him around is just a pain. He treats me normal. He’s not rude or awkward. He “still wants to be friends” and I don’t want to be the one to make it awkward but it’s hard because when I talk to him all I can think about is how cute he is. I just want to get over him. *sigh*