WARNING: The following passage was typed none stop and I did not re-read it before publishing. It is purely word vomit, grammar mistakes and all.
I’ve gone over the possible situations in my head a million times. I’m not sure which one would actually happen, that is, if I ever get the balls to tell him. I honestly don’t think I will ever tell him because the mere thought of bringing up the subject scares the shit out of me. Like what can I say, “Hey I like you, do you like me?” NO! I won’t do that because that would be his answer. Jordan, he would say, you are great honestly and you mean so much to me and you’ve been there for me through so much and I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done but, I just don’t see you that way. Yes patronizing me would be so much worse than a flat out no. Why? Because I don’t want him to look at me like I’m some sort of kicked puppy.
I guess I do let myself day dream about the impossibilities that he tells me that he has some sort of feelings for me too. But even then then I wouldn’t know where to go from there. He not like any other guy I know. And there is so much about me that he doesn’t know that I’m sure would be a deal breaker. “Hey I’m not a virgin by the way but I’m sure you’re extremely catholic views would be absolutely fine with that.”
I’ve never been drunk and I’ve never been high. And I don’t plan on going super crazy. I’m sure it will happen someday but it’s not like I’m trying to get that out of my system. I’m good right now I don’t need to do those things to have fun with my friends. I also don’t plan on having sex again for a long ass time. The first time was a mistake and I wish I could take it back sometimes but I can’t and I just have to live with that but that is something that I don’t want him to know.
So what the fuck am I doing then? I like him so much, he means the fucking world to me. I wrote him a fucking cute ass song and I can’t even imagine dating him. He’s nothing like the guys I’ve been into before. BUT THAT’S WHY I LIKE HIM SO MUCH. But… of course I think he feels the same why. This is a guy who hates only three people in the entire senior class and my only ex-boyfriend is one of them. That’s how horrible of a person my ex is. I don’t want him to judge me for the decisions I’ve made.
I know what you might be thinking, “why would you want to be with someone if you’re constantly afraid of them judging you.” I honestly don’t know the answer. “Shouldn’t you want to be with someone who loved you no matter what you’ve done in your past?” Yes. I should. I should want to be with that type of person but I just can’t help myself. I care so much what he thinks of me and I don’t want his image of me be tainted. Well for all I know he could already know. I’m sure there were rumors at some point. Are they still called rumors if they are true? I don’t know. All I know is I am un-pure and I don’t want him to know that because I want him to see the person I am now and not the person I was last year. And we all know my ex is no gentleman who doesn’t kiss and tell. He would post it on a billboard if he could.
But I could also be completely over reacting and maybe he won’t care. But even if he says he wouldn’t care I still feel like he silently would. Why? Because I am so scared of what he thinks of me that I am so insecure about myself in those ways. And it’s not like he’s ever given me a reason to be insecure. I’ve never heard him judge someone for having sex or anything like that but I just feel like he would care so much. Gosh I don’t know what I’m doing in this situation. This is not anything like the types of places I’ve been before. I’m used to guys who are disrespectful and ask for nudes and I’ve lost a lot of good friendships because of it. And now he is this guy who has made me a better student, a better friend and overall a better person and I feel like I don’t deserve him. I felt like he was too good for me. Even the fact that he’s Filipino and I’m Mexican makes me insecure. I feel like he has always pictured being with someone who grew up with his same culture and obviously that’s not me.
This is actually helping me because I am exploring all the reasons exactly why I should just stick out the rest of the year and not tell him. When he asks the girl he likes to prom I will congratulate him. Will I go home and cry oh most definitely. But it will be worth it because I won’t ever have to have this conversation with him.
You know something. I really like you. I pretty much always have and I’ve always told myself that you were too good for me and that you weren’t the type of guy that ever looks to date girls. I mean I guess I was wrong about the second part because I know there is this girl you like and she’s amazing and sweet and cute and special and all the things that I am not I guess. Oh no don’t feel bad I am ok my self-esteem is great. I don’t think that I’m not amazing, sweet, cute and special, I just know that you don’t think I am. So here I am telling you I like you and I don’t really know why I’m telling you because I know what comes next. It may not be a straight rejection, oh no, you are way to kind for that. No, you are going to give me a string of compliments and THEN tell me that I am not her. I am not the girl that you’ve always wanted to be with and that you’ve always pictured yourself with. Will saying all this to you make me feel better? Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t even know because I am already regretting what I’ve said so far. I am starting to wonder why I even started talking in the first place. So I guess I’ll just stop talking now so I can give you a chance to say what I think you’re going to say.
Yeah that’s what I would have said to. Don’t be upset that I sprung all this on you and now you have to reject me please don’t feel like a horrible person. I’m the bad guy because I put you in this situation. I promise I will never do it again. I can only hope that you will disregard everything I have just said for the sake of staying as close as we are. Just pretend like I paused you and said all this stuff and then pressed play like you didn’t hear any of it. Let’s just go about our lives being those cute friends. Maybe it will still eat me up inside knowing I can’t have you. I completely support you and her by the way. I that’s the girl you want then I hope she wants you just as bad. God I do because I never want to see you in heartbreak. I hope you never have to feel like I do right now. But promise me this please. Don’t hang on to her once you go to college. If you and she aren’t a thing when you start school next fall then let her go. I can guarantee there will be plenty of nice girls at USC. And more than one of them are going to fall for you just like I have. I just hope I find someone as well so I won’t be constantly jealous of whoever you are talking to. I know I need to get over you so maybe that’s why I am telling you all this. So you rejecting me can become a reality and so I can move on. I think that’s what Katie was saying. Thanks love. I need to tell you so I can go out into the world and find someone else. If I never say anything then any relationship I get into a small part of me will always long for the lab partner that I never confessed my love to.
(Wow. I wish I spent this much time on my 1984 Analysis paper. )
I love you. That is a fact and I probably will always love you but in an, I’ve-moved-on-but-you’re-still-my-best-friend type of way. So you and I aren’t meant to be, so what. I can live with that. It’s not like I haven’t always known that. But I guess this whole speech has been bubbling inside me and I needed to get it all out. And now I have. I would show you but it has the whole “not a virgin” thing at the top and I don’t want to talk about all that with you. I guess I could just show you the part where I directly talk to you but … well I just won’t do that. I guess out of all the situations I run in my head handing you an essay explaining my feelings would not be my ideal way of doing it.