Gone.

Soon I’ll be gone. 5 hours away from home. From him? 6 hours 52  minutes. A 7 day walk I guess you could say. But right now I already feel so far, so distant. Like he no longer wants to be around me. Well I guess you could say its him wanting to spend time with other people. He wants to make memories with as many people as possible and I understand that. There isn’t anything wrong with that. I just have this insecurity of feeling left out and non included.

When I was little my cousins used to all go play and they would take my sisters with them and leave me behind. They wouldn’t tell me where they were going and sometimes wouldn’t even let me come if I asked. I guess that’s where this feeling originates from. Feeling unloved and unwanted. I guess that’s just a flaw on my part. Who says he doesn’t want to be around me? Maybe the insedences that seem to be reoccuring. Those “TFTI” moments that seem like nothing at first but after a while they add up and get to you. Am I awful? I feel awful.

Bleh

Gosh I’m just not good enough huh.
I felt so ok with you’re rejection.
“Wow I’m flattered”
That’s cool and all but I didn’t confess my feelings to flatter you. Ugh I’m honestly just want to cry sometimes.
“Why do I feel the need to cry. Are they tears of relief because we talk like nothing is different or tears of regret because I hoped it would be”
We are so close but my heart hurts because I told you everything. I confessed. What more can I do!! I just want these feelings to go away. You don’t think I see when you talk about her. “The more I think about her the more I miss her”. I just want to scream and yell at you. I want to have an accuse to be angry but I don’t. I don’t have a reason to be mad that you love her and not me. You shouldn’t love me anyway. You can’t love someone who doesn’t love them self. But that’s not this is about. This is about you, no her. You don’t need to love me but loving her doesn’t make any sense. God dammit you haven’t talked to her in months. And before that you hadn’t talked to her in years. Your phone wallpaper?? Are you kidding me??

Why am I so angry. I shouldn’t be angry. And I’m not angry at you though.. I’m only mad at myself.

Word Vomit (unedited)

WARNING: The following passage was typed none stop and I did not re-read it before publishing. It is purely word vomit, grammar mistakes and all. 

I’ve gone over the possible situations in my head a million times. I’m not sure which one would actually happen, that is, if I ever get the balls to tell him. I honestly don’t think I will ever tell him because the mere thought of bringing up the subject scares the shit out of me. Like what can I say, “Hey I like you, do you like me?” NO! I won’t do that because that would be his answer. Jordan, he would say, you are great honestly and you mean so much to me and you’ve been there for me through so much and I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done but, I just don’t see you that way. Yes patronizing me would be so much worse than a flat out no. Why? Because I don’t want him to look at me like I’m some sort of kicked puppy.

I guess I do let myself day dream about the impossibilities that he tells me that he has some sort of feelings for me too. But even then then I wouldn’t know where to go from there. He not like any other guy I know. And there is so much about me that he doesn’t know that I’m sure would be a deal breaker. “Hey I’m not a virgin by the way but I’m sure you’re extremely catholic views would be absolutely fine with that.”

I’ve never been drunk and I’ve never been high. And I don’t plan on going super crazy. I’m sure it will happen someday but it’s not like I’m trying to get that out of my system. I’m good right now I don’t need to do those things to have fun with my friends. I also don’t plan on having sex again for a long ass time. The first time was a mistake and I wish I could take it back sometimes but I can’t and I just have to live with that but that is something that I don’t want him to know.

So what the fuck am I doing then? I like him so much, he means the fucking world to me. I wrote him a fucking cute ass song and I can’t even imagine dating him. He’s nothing like the guys I’ve been into before. BUT THAT’S WHY I LIKE HIM SO MUCH. But… of course I think he feels the same why. This is a guy who hates only three people in the entire senior class and my only ex-boyfriend is one of them. That’s how horrible of a person my ex is. I don’t want him to judge me for the decisions I’ve made.

I know what you might be thinking, “why would you want to be with someone if you’re constantly afraid of them judging you.” I honestly don’t know the answer. “Shouldn’t you want to be with someone who loved you no matter what you’ve done in your past?” Yes. I should. I should want to be with that type of person but I just can’t help myself. I care so much what he thinks of me and I don’t want his image of me be tainted. Well for all I know he could already know. I’m sure there were rumors at some point. Are they still called rumors if they are true? I don’t know. All I know is I am un-pure and I don’t want him to know that because I want him to see the person I am now and not the person I was last year. And we all know my ex is no gentleman who doesn’t kiss and tell. He would post it on a billboard if he could.

But I could also be completely over reacting and maybe he won’t care. But even if he says he wouldn’t care I still feel like he silently would. Why? Because I am so scared of what he thinks of me that I am so insecure about myself in those ways. And it’s not like he’s ever given me a reason to be insecure. I’ve never heard him judge someone for having sex or anything like that but I just feel like he would care so much. Gosh I don’t know what I’m doing in this situation. This is not anything like the types of places I’ve been before. I’m used to guys who are disrespectful and ask for nudes and I’ve lost a lot of good friendships because of it. And now he is this guy who has made me a better student, a better friend and overall a better person and I feel like I don’t deserve him. I felt like he was too good for me. Even the fact that he’s Filipino and I’m Mexican makes me insecure. I feel like he has always pictured being with someone who grew up with his same culture and obviously that’s not me.

This is actually helping me because I am exploring all the reasons exactly why I should just stick out the rest of the year and not tell him. When he asks the girl he likes to prom I will congratulate him. Will I go home and cry oh most definitely. But it will be worth it because I won’t ever have to have this conversation with him.

You know something. I really like you. I pretty much always have and I’ve always told myself that you were too good for me and that you weren’t the type of guy that ever looks to date girls. I mean I guess I was wrong about the second part because I know there is this girl you like and she’s amazing and sweet and cute and special and all the things that I am not I guess. Oh no don’t feel bad I am ok my self-esteem is great. I don’t think that I’m not amazing, sweet, cute and special, I just know that you don’t think I am. So here I am telling you I like you and I don’t really know why I’m telling you because I know what comes next. It may not be a straight rejection, oh no, you are way to kind for that. No, you are going to give me a string of compliments and THEN tell me that I am not her. I am not the girl that you’ve always wanted to be with and that you’ve always pictured yourself with. Will saying all this to you make me feel better? Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t even know because I am already regretting what I’ve said so far. I am starting to wonder why I even started talking in the first place. So I guess I’ll just stop talking now so I can give you a chance to say what I think you’re going to say.

….

Yeah that’s what I would have said to. Don’t be upset that I sprung all this on you and now you have to reject me please don’t feel like a horrible person. I’m the bad guy because I put you in this situation. I promise I will never do it again. I can only hope that you will disregard everything I have just said for the sake of staying as close as we are. Just pretend like I paused you and said all this stuff and then pressed play like you didn’t hear any of it. Let’s just go about our lives being those cute friends. Maybe it will still eat me up inside knowing I can’t have you. I completely support you and her by the way. I that’s the girl you want then I hope she wants you just as bad. God I do because I never want to see you in heartbreak. I hope you never have to feel like I do right now. But promise me this please. Don’t hang on to her once you go to college. If you and she aren’t a thing when you start school next fall then let her go. I can guarantee there will be plenty of nice girls at USC. And more than one of them are going to fall for you just like I have. I just hope I find someone as well so I won’t be constantly jealous of whoever you are talking to.  I know I need to get over you so maybe that’s why I am telling you all this. So you rejecting me can become a reality and so I can move on. I think that’s what Katie was saying. Thanks love. I need to tell you so I can go out into the world and find someone else. If I never say anything then any relationship I get into a small part of me will always long for the lab partner that I never confessed my love to.

(Wow. I wish I spent this much time on my 1984 Analysis paper. )

I love you. That is a fact and I probably will always love you but in an, I’ve-moved-on-but-you’re-still-my-best-friend type of way. So you and I aren’t meant to be, so what. I can live with that. It’s not like I haven’t always known that. But I guess this whole speech has been bubbling inside me and I needed to get it all out. And now I have. I would show you but it has the whole “not a virgin” thing at the top and I don’t want to talk about all that with you. I guess I could just show you the part where I directly talk to you but … well I just won’t do that. I guess out of all the situations I run in my head handing you an essay explaining my feelings would not be my ideal way of doing it.

The txt I won’t send

You know I love you right. I really love you. You are the most amazing person I know and I’ve pretty much always had a thing for you but I always told myself it was worng. You’re like my brother.. Or at least that was the excuse a used to surpress these feelings. 

I’m not the only one you know. I’ve known other girls who have fallen for you. You are so kind and funny. Gentle and genuine. Attractive and smart. You are the kind of person I wish I was more like. I seriously can’t get you out of my head I’m going crazy because I know you don’t see me the way I see you. I look at you and I see the world, the moon and the stars. The fact that I know this message is probably embarrassing you right now makes you that much cuter. 

I want to hold your hand all the time and tell you how amazing you are. I want you to know that without even trying you make my day everyday. You are so extremely talented it’s insane. You’re a fucking wizard I swear. You sing you dance you play … And you film. You have no idea how happy it makes me when I get to sit there shut up and just watch you film. So focused and so concentrated. I get to watch Van Gogh paint, Mozart conduct and Shakespeare write all on your film set.  

I know me saying all this will make you feel unfomfortable and will probably change your attitude towards me. I really don’t want that. Please don’t do that. Not telling you how I feel is eating at me. If you changed the way you were around me I think I’d die. You’re one of the two very best friends I have.  And well the other one knows how much I love you. I can’t lose you. I can’t even risk losing you. Which is why this message is here… On my blog…and not in your inbox. 

I managed to fall in love again 

I managed to fall in love again. Only this time it’s so different. Well for starters this time the person doesn’t love me back. He never will. 

He’s the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning. Whenever I’m around him I just want to hold his hand and kiss his temple. Nothing more really. For a long time now I’ve said, “it’s the little kisses that get you to fall in love with me.” I’ve always said it as a joke but now, that’s all I want from him, the little things. 

In my last relationship it was all about being all over eachother and showing the world. The constant display of affection was what our relationship was built on. And I hate that now. I hate the boy that made me feel that was right. I am so ashamed of everything I did with him… For him. 

And this one makes me feel different. I find my beliefs matching his but not because I’m trying to impress him but because he is so right. 

He goes on as on how dating is just too complicated. He doesn’t want to date in high school and maybe not even in college. Attraction is all mental in his head and when it comes to “being physical” he never even mentions it. It’s strange how I can go from wanting so much out of relationship to literally just wanting the bare minimum. At 17 I don’t think it’s uncommon to dream about these deep passionate relationships with rough kisses and grabbing an pulling. I used to want that too. But he’s changed that. He really has, I just want to sit on the couch and watch movies and eat popcorn with him. I want to be able to tell him how much he means to me. I want to sing songs with him and laugh at jokes. Well.. I guess we already do that. So guess what I want is to do all that and then be able to look over at him and tell him he is the most important person in the world to me. When I’m upset or stressed he makes everything better. I go to sleep every night smiling because he texted me somthing that made my day. 

My definition of love and relationships has changed because of him. And he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want any part of either of them. 

Distance

I know what I have to do. I’ve been contemplating this for a while now and I dont know why it hasnt dawned on my sooner. Maybe I always knew what I was going to have to do and I just really didn’t want to do it. I thought I could just function beside him but my feelings for him only grow stronger and stronger everyday. But I NEED to distance myself from him. Wow. Actually saying it makes me emotional. It scares me. He has been there for me every single step through high school and I don’t know what I would do or who I would be without him. He is literally the best person I know. I wish i could be more like him. I wish the whole world could be more like him. If the world were filled with people like him then we wouldn’t all be so fucked. Its hard to find words to describe him or even the feelings I have for him. Sure.. maybe I just feel this way because my last relationship ended with such a crash and shatter. He is someone who has always been my close friend so maybe I am just putting all my feelings onto him because he is so nice and sweet… and attractive.. and funny..and who am I kidding. I know I’ve always secretly wanted him but hes one of those guys that are just too good you know. I’ve always known he was too good for me. He’s one of those guys that’s never had a girlfriend before because he doesn’t need one. He’s so focused on bigger and better things. Do I want to be his first? NO! I cant be IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Look at me… tainted and unpure. I don’t even want to know what he’d think of me if he knew I slept with my ex. Now… I am NOT ashamed of who I am. I have made my decisions and I knew I could live with them when I made them. But when it comes down to the type of girl he should be with … im just not that type. I wreck relationships.. im so horrible at them. … BUT I WANT HIM SO BAD!

which is why i need space. I’m so sorry but its the only way. I need these feelings to go away I need his face out of my mind. God dammit every time i hear a song on the radio I can hear his sweet voice singing it. Imagining life without him seriously kills me but its what I have to do. Because I know myself and if i let these feelings progress then i will eventually say something to him and i will ruin everything we’ve build. He was so shy when i met him and now… Hes just another person. Someone I simple love. Someone who makes my day every god damn day. Someone im just gunna have to step away from.

k

Fuckboys

“A manipulating dick who does whatever it takes to benefit him, regardless of who he screws over. They will screw over anyone and everyone as long they get what they want. ”

“A person whose only purpose in life is to fuck shit up. ”

“A Fuckboy is the type of guy who does shit that generally pisses the population of the earth off all the time. He will also lead girls on just for hookups, says hes really into you but doesn’t want to deal with all the “relationship bullshit” just to fuck you. He thinks about himself and only himself all the time but pretends to be really nice. He also does really fucked up shit and then complains about people who do the same old shit as him. Once a fuckboy always a fuckboy, because fuck boys ganna be fuckboys. ”          – urban dictionary

So yes. Now that I have defined my terms I would like to elaborate on how I have so many fuckboys in my life and how annoying and irritating it is to be in my situation. I have been needing to rant about this very topic for a while now but I needed some time to organize my thoughts. Now, that I am ready I am going to detail to you the THREE situations I have previously/currently experience. WARNING: the amount of asshole-ish-ness douche baggery in this post my cause excessive gagging and compulsive disgusted wincing.

Situation #1: Long Time No See Fuckboy

So I had a crush on a boy in middle school. Didn’t we all? SO when he followed me on instagram a couple weeks ago of course I was like omg how funny. It wasn’t until he went down my page and liked a bunch of selfies and softball pics that I decided to DM him and catch up some. He was super funny and really nice. And then he started showing fuckboy signs. “Wow you are just so beautiful. And you don’t have a boyfriend? Damn all the boys at your school must be dumb.” Like can’t we just have a normal conversation without you trying WAY TOO HARD to flirt with me? Like there are other ways to flirt without being so damn obviously sly. But whatever right. I let it go and changed the topic of discussion. At the end of the night I get the message that reveals ALLL intentions. “We should be best friends 😉 ” Friends with benefits??? I have only been talking to you for like a couple of hours and you think that by calling my “gorgeous” you can get me to send you pictures of my chest and hook up with you whenever you want? What?! Now I know he didn’t exactly spell it out but trust me. Those types of texts are fuckboy texts because they only want something for themselves in the end… because well in the end no hot guy is going to tell you how hot you are for an hour and not expect anything out of it. He doesn’t really think you’re hot he thinks you’re easy. He thinks HE’S hot and can get anything he wants. So best never to text him ever again. And you know what? He never texted me either because lord knows he found some other girl to give him what he wants.

Lesson: Fuckboys always have a motive and they will always find someone else.

Situation  #2: Long Time Good Friend Fuckboy

As you can probably guess form the title this particular boy and I have been really good friends since freshman year. There was once, I admit, a romantic aspect between us that shortly died down. After things did not work out between us we continued to be friends and have been there for each other and tell each other pretty much everything. I know how many girls he’s hooked up with and dated and slept with and I know that by not dating him I pretty much dogged a speeding bullet. But I remain friends with him and advise him not to date my friends because I don’t want to see him use them. So here I am about to walk home and he pulls up and says “I’ll give you a ride.” Free ride? No two mile walk? Hell yes! So I get in the car with one of my best friends and I kid you not.. TWO MINUTES IN “wanna give me head while I drive?” …. NO! FUCKBOY WHY!? What made you think that asking me that was ok? What made you think I would say yes? I laughed at him and said he’s crazy. Then this dick tells me how he just really needs it because the “whore” (YES HE USED THE WORD WHORE… AND I KNOW THIS GIRL ..SHE IS IN LOVE WITH HIM AND HE CALLED HER A WHORE) he was normally getting it from is being too clingy and he just straight up stop talking to her. So you ask me to be your new “whore?” A big NO THANK YOU. It was only a five minute drive and by the time I was ready to tell him off I was home. I got out of the car and walked inside not wanting to see his face again. A two mile walk home would have been WAY better.

Lesson: A fuckboy can be anyone.. even those close to you.

Situation #3: …Fuckboy

Now.. This one hurts.. and this is going to be harder than I thought but I think I can do it. I was happy before he came into my life but he made me believe otherwise. He convinced me that my life was missing something and he was it. So I caught feelings for him and he seemed to like me back. He asked me to winter formal and I thought that was going to be the night that I kissed him and everything was going to be perfect. It was the complete opposite. I was literally ignored the entire night and ended up calling my dad to pick me up. After that night he confessed to me that he did have feelings for me but they weren’t as strong as his feelings for someone else. So we left it at that for a while. Long story short he began to text me.. late at night. We would talk about everything and anything and get real deep and one thing led to another and we got involved with each other in that way. I didn’t want them too but my feelings for him came back and grew and this whole cyber physical relationship we had made me think that maybe something might bud from this. (typing this part now I realize how naïve it sounds but hey a girl can dream.) So we would talk about actually getting together in person and he became so persistent to make it happen and it was an everyday mission for him to find the time to sneak away and do something. It never did happen I would like to clarify. He never wanted to date me he never wanted to be with me and I realized that just in time to end things. He was still head over heels for the same girl and I let him use me for what he couldn’t get from her. He never treated me badly but it got to the point where it was the only reason he talked to me. I was on his hook and he knew it. I was waiting for him and he didn’t care. He doesn’t know why I stopped talking to him and I can’t talk to him about it because I am so embarrassed about my feelings. I can’t look him in the eye and said I made the same mistake I did last time and I thought you cared about me. I know I know you never said you did you never implied that you did but still I let myself believe it. So is her really a fuckboy? Well I guess by definition. In the end I broke my own heart when it came to him.

Lesson: Never assume. …and everything is too good to be true

So there you have it. The three fuckboys I have encountered in these past couple of months. Now it can be funny yes because of how unbelievably stupid and immature these boys can be but in the end they are the reason I cry. I cry because every time I get close to a boy or try to get close to one I soon hear myself sighing ..oh fuck. All the good guys are taken these days and high school really sucks when all guys want to don’t is get into your pants. Fuckboys are everywhere and there is no escaping them. Even if you try to go alone with their game in the beginning you always end up hurt and full of regret. I cant help but admit I’ve lost hope for love in high school. I just thank god that I have amazing friends to make up for it.

post new comment…

Hello there, I am not sure if you remember little old me but I came across some of our old comments from literally years ago and I was wondering what happened to my friend that used to post the same shit as I did. I remember having a fellow blogger, a fellow teenage girl going through my same struggle and relating to her so much. Its been a year since you posted last and i just wanted you to know that some people are still waiting to hear from you. I don’t know when you will read this or if you will ever read it but hopefully you will. Maybe one day when you are down you and you decide to log on you will see that I am a girl who has seen all sides of love as well and I can tell you that throughout our lives we will always have our ups and downs and joys and heartbreaks and in those low moments we always have to remember that it does us no good to sit and regret the decisions we have made in the past. we cannot change what we have done and what has been done to us. We can only learn from it. Especially if deep down you know that, at one point, what you are crying over is exactly what you wanted. When you buy a carton of strawberries and you find one moldy one you don’t throw that whole thing away. You toss the rotten one and rinse the rest. Never get rid of the good memories. Keep the things that make you smile and make you laugh and have made you a better person. And know that you are a wonderful beautiful person. I know what you’re thinking… she’s never met me… how could she possibly think that… Because you are a human being like myself that deserves to believe in herself and be happy. So you’re right. Maybe i don’t know who you really are but you do. And you know that you are magnificent and can do extraordinary things. You can believe in yourself the same way I believe in you along with every other high school girl going through the pubescent norms. Maybe one day you’ll read this … and you were already confident and proud of yourself. In that case you should reflect and recognize how much you have grown and prospered. Be who want to be. Love who you want to love. But above all, know that your happiness is the most important thing in the world.
Sincerely,
A Friend

U-G-L-Y

You know.. sometimes I feel beautiful. Its not SO uncommon. If I’m wearing some really pretty dress and have a shit ton of makeup..that makes me feel pretty and confident. But then on other days I just feel ugly. These days happen more and more… more often then the pretty days. And no its more than just waking up it the morning and seeing my face and says ew.. its seeing everyone’s reactions to me. And again ..noo its not all of them saying ew either. Its that feeling when you like a boy and he tells you that hes looking for someone smart and funny and someone he can just talk to and tell everything to and be physical with and someone who will think he’s the most perfect. And then that same boy who just described YOU goes out with someone who is the complete opposite. ..and you know SHES pretty. so where does that leave you… this ugly thing in the corner that wants the same love as everybody else. This is my blog so I will toot my own horn if I want. if you don’t like it you can leave. I know I am hella smart.. You want to talk about atomic structures? The Constitutional Convention? Logarithms? What’s that? you don’t want to talk about school fine .. Do you want to talk about prop 1 and 2? Do you want to have a deep talk about life and the future I’m down for that too.. talk to me about anything.. if its something I don’t know about then teach it to me..im all ears I would love to learn from you.. I know I can be funny.. laugh at my dorkiness at my nerdiness. make fun of me I can take it.. mess around with me so lets have fun.. lets do something wild and crazy and spontaneous.. or we can lay down..take a nap…hold hands…whatever you want to do I’m ok with it.. I can be nice. Sure ill make fun of you and mess with you but I do it because I love you… I Just want that playful relationship where we can talk about everything and not keep secrets and trust each other ..where we can be serious and have fun whenever we want. I want the relationship I KNOW you want.

and I cant help but feel. that if my face was different … if my body was different … that if I was ME ..and looked like HER… that you would be with me.

so maybe I’m not UGLY… but I’m ugly enough to be overlooked